our rainbow baby journey

We can finally say it: Our rainbow baby is arriving in January 2019! 

It's still kind of shocking to be able to say those words. Some days I still think, "Wow, am I really pregnant? It's actually happening!" When you try for something for so long, and it continues to not come to fruition, it makes it that much harder to believe when it actually does happen. Does that make sense?

We posted our news yesterday on Facebook and Instagram and were immediately blown away by the response we received from our friends and family. We knew we had the power of prayer behind us from so many people during this journey, but hearing everyone's joy from our news really made it sink in. 

Talking about our struggle with secondary infertility was quite difficult, and often times I decided I just couldn't do it, but the times I had the courage to share, I was always met with acceptance from other women (near and far) who were thankful that someone was talking openly about the struggle to conceive, miscarrying, and the emotions that come with it all. 

And that is why I did it.

​I knew that there were likely so many women out there suffering from the same exact heartache that we were suffering from, and if my words could help even just one person, they would be worth writing. 

But I'm not done talking about it. We may finally have our rainbow baby on the way, but I want everyone who's still trying to conceive to know that it can happen--despite what any blood draw or test says. 

Chris and I tried several months of the fertility drug Clomid, and after about 6 months of that not working, we started seeing a fertility specialist. We first met with our specialist, P.A.R.I.N.T.S., in December of 2017. 

Month after month we did tons of blood work (I swear I might as well have lived at LabCorp--Nicole, the phlebotomist, and I were practically besties). Each month my numbers would be on the up-and-up (which was good), but every single month they would eventually crash (which wasn't good). 

This crash in my estradiol level would indicate that I had stopped developing that month, meaning my follicles weren't going to get to a place where they could eventually release an egg. 

So, we'd try again the next month.

This happened every single month from December through May. For those of you going through this same struggle, you know the heartache of hearing that news month after month.

You get your hopes up, pump your body full of drugs, do "the baby dance" every chance you can, get poked by needles weekly, only to find out that once again, all of that was for nothing. And that realization slowly begins to chip away at your hope.

For me personally, it started to chip away at my spirit. ​I noticed a change in my attitude (and not a good one), a drastic plunge in my confidence, and a deep sadness. I was sad because I didn't know if I'd ever conceive again--if I'd ever get the opportunity to carry another child, to give birth again, to feel the kicks and punches in my belly one more time. 

But when I'd start to think these thoughts, I'd quickly realize that there are women out there who are going through my same struggle, but who have never had the opportunity to carry a child through pregnancy. 

That was a sobering moment every single time. 

So, I wanted to write this to give hope to others going through what I've been going through--whether you're trying for baby number one or baby number two, three, four, etc. 

As I was saying, my lab work showed that my levels tanked month after month. 

So, we'd then wait for my period to eventually come so that we could start the process all over again. However, in May we were in the midst of waiting for my period to come (after finding out my levels had gone down again) when I just kept thinking, "But what if they went back up? What if they went back up and we just don't know it?" Come to find out, that simply just doesn't happen when it comes to your estradiol level.

But I just kept having that feeling...

So, I took an at-home pregnancy test on the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend (ironic, no?) and it was positive. 

IT WAS POSITIVE. 

To say I was shocked to my core would be a gross understatement. I immediately started crying and ran so fast out of the bathroom with the stick in my hands that I'm pretty sure I hadn't even pulled my pants up yet. 

"How could this happen? My levels crashed again, so what on earth happened? Am I really pregnant? Is this a false positive?"

These were all the thoughts running through my head. 

Simply put, the science stated that I wasn't going to get pregnant, but guess what: God is big enough. God is big enough to overcome any blood test or circumstance that may be causing you to not conceive. God is big enough. 

This was my mantra for the last 6 months of our TTC journey: God is big enough. 

There were countless times when I would stand in my shower crying, and in that moment I'd remind myself that God is big enough. If this is meant to happen, God will make it happen despite what any test says. 

And He did. 

The moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, it sent chills through my body because I knew exactly how it happened: God. 

This is what I want you to walk away with...

Don't give up hope.
Don't give up faith.
And don't ever believe that God won't fulfill the desires of your heart. 

Allow Chris and I to be living proof of this. 

I still have so much more to share about our journey to get here--including a post about our incredible fertility specialist--but please know that I'm here to answer any questions you may have, to talk about what we tried, what worked and didn't work for us, or to simply just be a sounding board if you're having a particularly tough day and need to talk. 

Never give up hope. 

​XOXO, Courtney